"A crown of beauty instead of ashes..." Isaiah 61:3

Well, this tops the list of blogs I never wanted to have to write.  We found out this morning that Addie's adoption has been revoked, and we lost her.  We are beyond heartbroken, and beside ourselves with grief, but still trusting in a Father who is always good.  Your prayers are appreciated, particularly for our sweet Payton.

           "The Lord gave, and The Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of The Lord."  Job 1:21

More Waiting...

After a week of waiting, we went to bed last night, here at Kiawah Island, eagerly awaiting news from our adoption agency.  I woke up every hour checking the clock, calculating what time it was in Ethiopia.  At five a.m. I gave up and grabbed the Word.  I turned to Psalms and began reading with chapter one.  I read and read and was filled with hope and reassurance that our God is mighty and good.  After about an hour I tried sleep again and managed about 45 minutes of rest before I heard little feet make their way to my bedside.  
Finally, at about 9:15, Billy's phone rang, showing Lesley's (from our agency) name. My heart started pounding, and I thought I may vomit.  I answered, and upon hearing the lack of enthusiasm in her familiar voice, I was filled with dread.  This was clearly not the "She's all yours!" call we were so desperate to hear. 
The news was not good, but not nearly as bad as I had initially feared.  Apparently, the Ethiopian court moved all cases scheduled for Friday to Monday- another three days of waiting.  
Waiting, waiting, waiting- seems like all we've done for over two years.  Has all this waiting proved worth it? Absolutely.  There is the definite possibility that all this waiting will lead to an absolutely precious, charming, beautiful baby girl joining our family- growing up in our home, blessing us with the opportunity to be her mommy and daddy, with the chance to watch her play with her big sister.
Then there is the possibility that my stomach literally turns and twists to consider- she could end up staying in Ethiopia, with the harsh reality of growing up a beggar.  It's extremely difficult for me to even write those words, let alone think them.  Will it still have been worth it if this second possibility becomes real? Absolutely.  Please do not hear me minimizing the pain and anguish we are currently experiencing.  For lack of better words, this just sucks.  If this happens, we will be heartbroken, and we will have to grieve the loss of a child we love and adore.  However, we are believers- believers and followers of the One and Only true God- the God who loved man so much that He made a way to redeem us through the blood of His One and Only Son.  My God has experienced the loss of His child.  He has experienced the agony of being separated from His Beloved- separated because His Beloved took on my sin.  If nothing else comes from this process, I can say with all sincerity, "I love Him more."  Never before have I prayed so fervently.  Never before have I been so faithfully in His Word, and seen more vivdly how His Word can encourage and strengthen, teach and convict.  Never before have I had to trust him more.  Never before have I understood so clearly the sacrifice He made for me- for you, too- when He gave His Son to take on the punishment for my sin so that I could be with Him.  I'm so thankful that I am in His presence every day while here on earth, and that there will be a day with Him when there is no more crying, no more pain, no more hunger, no more disease, no more violence, no more tragedy, and no more WAITING.  
We are at the beach this week, and I couldn't help but think as I looked at the ocean this morning, that if God can make this huge, amazing world, and keep it spinning in order, He certainly can handle what's been handed to us the past several months.  He can also handle my mixed up emotions and frustration.  He is good, and He is bigger than any trial that may come.  And so we wait.  We wait knowing He already knows the outcome.  He's ready for our song of joy or our cries of despair.  He is ready and equipped with whatever we may need.  Our daughter, Addie, is so amazing, but the truth is, there is only One who satisfies and sustains.  There is only One Certainty and One Hope.  One True Joy.  One who comforts, One who gives peace, One who will be praised and glorified no matter what.  I genuinely hope you know this One in a personal, intimate way.  I am honestly praying that through our journey, through our waiting, maybe you love Him more, too.

"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."  

1 John 4:9-10

Today's News

So, just to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to write a blog today, but I know that many of you have prayed for us and love us and are wandering what is going on.

So, here's what we found out this morning- we were told first that our case wasn't even brought before a judge today, and then that was clarified, and we found out that our case was heard, but the judge will not give a final ruling until December 28th- an entire week of hanging in limbo, not knowing if the adoption will be revoked.  We are heartsick, tired, angry (not really at anyone in particular), overwhelmed, deeply saddened, frustrated, and so on.  This has become one of those nightmarish stories you hear on the news- one that everyone assumes will never happen to them, and yet, here we are.  If you are considering adoption, please don't let our story scare you away.  We have countless friends that have adopted with relatively no drama- our story is the rarity.  In fact, it is our understanding that our situation has actually never happened in Ethiopian international adoption.

I am reminded again that although our world has been turned upside down by the events of the past several months, He still holds the world in His hands, and He is not the slightest bit surprised by what has happened.  We are strengthened by the knowledge that His power is made perfect in our weakness- and we can honestly say we've never been weaker.

Your continued prayers are coveted.  There are three things that are currently weighing most heavily on our hearts- First, pray for the judge to be granted the wisdom of The Lord- that she would, like Solomon, see with whom the child belongs.  Secondly, pray for Addie- can't even verbalize the fears we have for her, should the adoption be revoked.  Thirdly, pray for our sweet Payton.  She talks about Addie daily and prays for her every night.  Her heart will be completely broken if this does not work out, and I'm not sure I can stand to see that.

We're praying that each curve and bump in the road is just another opportunity for our Lord to show His might and glory- another way to prove there is no denying His hand at work.  However, the reality is, He may have other purposes for this adoption, and those purposes may not lead to Addie coming home.  We are trusting Him no matter what, and praying that He is glorified no matter what- I do want to add, though, that our trust makes this easier- don't know how I'd still be standing at this point without Him- but trust in the Father does not make this easy.  He never promised that our lives would be easy.  He just promises that He will walk with us, and that, Praise Him, He has won the ultimate victory.

I just thought about the following song- one of mine and Billy's favorites.  I actually had it on a draft of a blog I wrote but never published back in February, when the wait for a referral was seeming to drag on forever.  Little did I know that the struggle had just begun.  I'm so thankful that the truths of our God remain no matter our circumstances.

Nothing Can Separate

Hey Friends.

Thank you so much to those of you who are praying for our daughter.  Your encouragement has meant more than we can possibly say.  If indeed Addie does come home, I can’t wait for her to meet the hundreds of people who have covered her life in prayer. 

I wanted to post and remind you to especially pray tonight. If you happen to be a night owl, pray through the night.  The court hearing that will determine the future of Addie will happen Friday (tomorrow), but Ethiopia is eight hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time, so when we’re going to bed, their day is beginning. 

We are weary beyond words, but thankful that He bids the weary and burdened come to Him, and He promises rest (Matthew 11:28) Tonight I am remembering Romans 8:38-39- "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  

Whatever may come, He loves us.  Praise be to God!

"That your way may be known on earth..." Psalm 67:2

Hi Friends,

I write to you with a heavy heart today.  We have just received word that has somehow clarified some of what has been going on, and has further confused us in other ways.  The bottom line is this- there will be a hearing before a judge Friday morning in Ethiopia (Thursday night here) with Addie’s birth mother, birth father (yes, you read that right), and Woudneh, our agency’s Ethiopian director.  It is our hope that at this hearing the judge will uphold the previous ruling, and that we will still be named Addie’s legal parents.  The reality is, unfortunately, that may not be what happens.  For reasons we do not want to currently divulge, the adoption is in jeopardy, and there is a real possibility that she could be given back to her biological parents, in spite of the fact that they are unable, and partially unwilling to care for her.  We are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are what is best for her, and that a reversal of the adoption would be very detrimental for our daughter.  I cannot go into all the reasons why we feel this way, without telling information about her that we feel is, for the time, private.  Please just trust that we love our daughter and want what is good for her.

I am reminded that while in Ethiopia, the Holy Spirit called to mind James 1:2-3.  “Count it all joy my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”  When we came home I memorized the next verse- “And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  We are facing a trial I never saw coming- a trial that is extremely painful, but by His grace, we are remaining steadfast- trusting that “He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” 

We ask you to pray for us, pray for the judge, pray for our friend Woudneh as he advocates for Addie, pray for her biological parents, and lastly, but most importantly, PRAY FOR ADDIE.  Ask the Lord to once again spare her life- as we have literally seen Him do twice already- and ask that His hand would stay upon her.  Pray for His mercy once more to fall on her and protect her.  Tonight at 6:30 a group of our family and friends are gathering to pray, and we ask that those of you who will not be there, stop where you are and go to the Lord on Addie’s behalf.

This morning I read Psalm 67, and remembered that this verse was one that our dear friend, Hayward Armstrong, had shared with our small group, about the time we were surrendering to the call to adopt. 

“May God be gracious to us and bless us

And make His face to shine upon us,

THAT YOUR WAY MAY BE KNOWN ON EARTH,

YOUR SAVING POWER AMONG ALL NATIONS.”

I ran downstairs and found this ornament I had made two years ago on our Christmas tree:

It is our deepest prayer that regardless of what happens, His “saving power [may be made known] among the nations.”

Thanks in advance for your prayers.

"...even as we hope in YOU." Psalm 33:22

So we left Ethiopia hopeful that all would work out.  We waited and waited and waited for what seemed like eternity for good news.  November 7^th, two weeks and one day after our court, I was driving down to church (it was a Wednesday night) and Payton had fallen asleep.  I was praying and pretty much pleading with the Lord to move everything along.  I wept as I cried out to him, and begged for Him to have mercy on our family once again.  I remember very clearly telling my Jesus that I trusted Him even in the pain of waiting, and that I would worship Him regardless of what happened.

I headed up to the third floor and began setting up my classroom and preparing for my kiddos that I have the privilege of sharing the Word with each Wednesday night.  I turned around and saw Billy walking toward me with a ginormous smile across his face.  His next two words were some of the sweetest I’ve ever heard-

“SHE’S OURS!” 

The letter from MOWA arrived at the court that day and the adoption was finalized in Ethiopia. 

What an amazing feeling!  I was once again floored by the Lord’s goodness and mercy.  I ran over to House of Prayer in the sanctuary to tell my sister and my dad.  I think the Lord chose to allow us to hear this good news at church so that we could rejoice with our family and the body of Christ at Walnut Street.  He wanted His name to be glorified by all who would hear how He had acted on behalf of a precious little girl in Ethiopia.

We have been waiting since then for all of our paperwork to be ready to submit to the U.S. Embassy in Ethiopia so that they can finalize the adoption on the U.S. side of things.  On December 5^th, we got news from our agency that all we were waiting on was a letter about Addie’s medical exam, and that when that arrived, we would be ready to submit our case to the embassy.  The agency sent the paperwork for us to review, and in it was her birth certificate.  I cannot describe the joy I experienced when I saw “Jodi Baker” listed as her mother.  Then I saw her passport- with a tiny picture of one of my favorite faces ever.  I could not wait to hand that passport to the people at the airport in Addis and board a plane and bring her home.

Later that day we realized that our homestudy and USCIS were set to expire January 8^th, which meant we had to update both of those.  I was so completely frustrated.  The thought that this could slow everything down made my stomach turn.  We began gathering the necessary paperwork, and my sweet husband drove all the way to Frankfort to get some of the documents we needed.  Within a week we had all we needed and had a new homestudy interview.  A day or two after the interview, we sent it all off to USCIS (immigration).  Now we’re waiting to hear from them, and praying we either bring her home before January 8^th or that we are reapproved before it’s time to bring her home.

This past week held more ups and downs. On December 11^th, we received news that could jeopardize the adoption.  We were heartbroken and completely beside ourselves.  In the midst of the turmoil, I wrote on Facebook, “We are trusting our Father to use everything for our good, and are praying for his perfect will to be done.”  I wrote it, and I meant it. 

My sister texted me Psalm 46:10- a verse I had already been repeating to myself.  I only knew the first part of it though- “Be still and know that I am God.”  I looked it up and was so encouraged by the rest- “I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”  My prayer was that one way or another, He would be praised.

December 12^th, I woke up and went straight to the Word, like I do each morning, but this morning I veered from the book I am currently studying, and read the Psalms.  I clung to Psalm 33:20-22-

“Our souls wait for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.  Four our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name.  Let your steadfast love, Oh Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.”

Another day went by, and we received no news.  Then came the 13^th.  It was seeming like things were looking up, and as more of the story made it’s way to the states, we were more hopeful.  We also got some fantastic news that day- our medical letter has arrived and we will be submitted to the embassy this Wednesday, December 19^th.  We were thrilled with this new progress, and began eagerly awaiting Wednesday.

This brings us to today, Monday, December 17, 2012.  I was standing in ToysRUs, doing some last little Christmas shopping, when my phone rang.  It was Billy.   His voice immediately told me he did not have good news.  It seems as though we are experiencing more drama in Ethiopia, and things are not going as smoothly as we hoped.  Without divulging more information than necessary, just know that her case actually went before a judge again today.   Once again, Addie’s adoption is in jeopardy.  We do not know all the details of what happened today, because Woudneh’s (our agency’s Ethiopian director) phone stopped working in mid-conversation with our agency.  Apparently the network there is down, and no one can reach him to get more details.  It is 12:50 a.m. there as I write (they are eight hours ahead), so we do not expect to hear anything else for a while.  Someone from our agency is going to try to call Woudneh at midnight, our time, to get more information.

We are desperate to know what the judge decided today.  I really can’t express to you the anguish in our hearts.  Right now she is legally ours, and regardless of what happens, she will always be ours in our hearts.  I love her more than I can possibly tell you, and the thought of losing her makes me physically ill.  My heart breaks at the idea of how on earth Billy and I could possibly tell Payton that Addie is not coming home.  And yet…

He is good.

He is loving.

He is kind.

He is merciful.

He is strong and mighty.

He is gracious.

He is just.

He is our sustainer.

He is our provider.

He is our victory.

He is our savior.

He is always with us.

He is all powerful.

He is the GREAT I AM, both here, and in Ethiopia.  The hope that we have because of Christ remains, regardless of the pain we experience.  We pray that you know this hope, this kind Savior.  And if you do, we ask that you go to Him on behalf of Addie.  Plead with the Lord to protect her and keep His hand upon her.  Ask Him to continue to impart his perfect peace to our weary souls and to guide and direct all that happens. 

And may His great name be glorified and praised in all the earth.  

"Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for MERCY." Psalm 28:6

Shortly before going to bed Monday night, we received a text message from one of our dearest friends, Jonathan Johnston.  He reminded us that although we were shocked and scared, nothing that had happened caught the Lord off-guard.  We were trusting in His sovereignty and control.

Tuesday morning arrived after a restless night’s sleep.  Billy went to get Addie from her dorm room and brought her to the common area of the guesthouse.  I was so torn.  I wanted to enjoy this time with her, and yet I knew that it could very well be the last time I did spend with her.  Our flight was leaving that night.

Woudneh came to the guesthouse that morning and shared more of Addie’s story.  I again began weeping.  This time, these were tears of gratitude.  I had prayed for mercy over my girl, and listening to Woudneh, I realized that the Lord had already poured out His mercy upon her life.  I cannot go into details here because I feel that this is Addie’s story to tell some day, but just know that we have seen vividly how His hand has been upon her life from the beginning.  We are so thankful to have witnessed His faithfulness so clearly.

The birth mother had agreed to go to court that day, make her statement, and give her consent.  Woudneh suggested that we go with her, and we more than willingly obliged.

Addie is so stinkin’ cute that it’s hard to stay too terribly sad around her long.  We spent the rest of that morning kissing her sweet cheeks, playing with her, feeding her, rocking her to sleep, praying over her, and speaking words of truth about our great God to her.

After lunch we headed back to the courthouse, praying that her birthmom would indeed show up.  When we arrived we met not only her birthmom again, but also Addie’s biological sister- an adorable, full of life three-year-old bundle of energy.  How amazing to spend a few hours with them, playing with this little girl! She loved the Skittles I gave her, playing hide-and-seek, jumping on the stairs with Billy, playing with my hair, drawing with my pens, and all the other things that all little girls enjoy.  I think about this child daily and pray for her protection. 

After hours of waiting, the judge was finally ready to see Addie’s birthmom.  We sat eagerly waiting in the same room as the previous day when we had first received the news.  This was a huge step to have her before the judge, but we knew there was still the matter of the birthfather.

What came next was one of the most bittersweet moments of my life.  Woudneh went in, spoke to the judge, and reported to us the news:  In Ethiopia it is illegal to impregnate a girl under the age of 18, so the birthfather is not legally recognized, and did not have to be found. (!) He was also the father of Addie’s biological sister and had not provided anything for that child, and therefore the judge said that it was a closed case as far as she was concerned.  Now all we needed was final approval from the Ministry of Women’s Affairs, and it would be finalized.  The judge sent her recommendation to them, and Woudneh told us that they almost always go along with what the judge says, but that it could be a week or two before we would know for sure.  It looked like everything was going to work out!  Thank you, Jesus!!!! 

We were overwhelmed with gratitude, but completely burdened for this mother, who was clearly torn apart by the events of the past two days.  She did tell Woudneh that she wanted us to adopt her baby, and I will be forever grateful for that.  I told her she had given me the most amazing gift imaginable, and that I would do everything I possibly could to love her child with everything that I had.  

I will not even pretend to understand all the reasons why the Lord allowed all of this drama or why Addie wasn’t just knit together in my womb in the first place.  I do know through this He answered my prayer- my faith is strengthened.  I have seen like never before my need for him and the incredible grace that secures my life in His presence forever.  Jesus, fully God, and fully man, lived a perfect life, and then took on the punishment for my sin.  He died a brutal, cruel, humiliating death, and then, Hallelujah!, He rose again, and sits at the right hand of the Father, pleading on my behalf.  It by His blood that I can stand before the Lord confident and sure that my eternity rests with Him- through His blood that I am called HIS CHILD!   It is my prayer that somehow Addie’s birthmother will, through all of this, experience adoption herself- adoption as a daughter of the King- that she will some day be in a place with no more hunger and no more sickness, no more tears, sorrow, or pain. 

Until that day, may we work daily to give orphans homes, to provide ways for mothers to keep their babies, to feed the hungry, and clothe the poor.  May we never forget the muck and mire from which He rescued us, and may we toil endlessly to spread the good news of Jesus to the lost.  He is our only hope!

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We returned back to the guesthouse an hour before we had to head to the airport.  We practically ran to Addie’s dorm room.  I stepped inside and walked over to her bed, and the minute she saw me, her face spread into the hugest toothless grin I’ve ever seen.  I must have kissed her face a thousand times.  We spent the next forty-five minutes calling our family on FaceTime so that they could see our sweet girl face-to-face.  How wonderful it was to share our good news with them.  There were no guarantees that everything was going to work out, but we were so much more hopeful at this point. 

Talking to Grandaddy on FaceTime right after we got back from court with Addie's birth mom.
 All he did was laugh and cry.  After he got off the phone someone asked him what the latest news was, and he had no idea- just too filled with joy at the sight of his precious new grand baby.

Addie is holding a picture of the family that Payton drew for her.
Can't wait for our girls to be united!

I told Addie as many times as I possibly could how much I loved her and that I would be back for her.  Not knowing 100% for sure that I actually would be back, I prayed that what I was telling her was truth.  We took her back to her room, kissed her one time, and  tried our best not to completely fall apart as we loaded up the car to head to the airport. 

It was so very difficult to walk away and leave our baby girl, but we were full of gratitude that we were leaving full of hope that we would indeed return.  We were (and are) certain that He would watch over her and continue to keep her life in His hands.

"Praise be to the Lord, 

for He has heard my cry for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise Him!"

                         Psalm 28:6-7