After a week of waiting, we went to bed last night, here at Kiawah Island, eagerly awaiting news from our adoption agency. I woke up every hour checking the clock, calculating what time it was in Ethiopia. At five a.m. I gave up and grabbed the Word. I turned to Psalms and began reading with chapter one. I read and read and was filled with hope and reassurance that our God is mighty and good. After about an hour I tried sleep again and managed about 45 minutes of rest before I heard little feet make their way to my bedside.
Finally, at about 9:15, Billy's phone rang, showing Lesley's (from our agency) name. My heart started pounding, and I thought I may vomit. I answered, and upon hearing the lack of enthusiasm in her familiar voice, I was filled with dread. This was clearly not the "She's all yours!" call we were so desperate to hear.
The news was not good, but not nearly as bad as I had initially feared. Apparently, the Ethiopian court moved all cases scheduled for Friday to Monday- another three days of waiting.
Waiting, waiting, waiting- seems like all we've done for over two years. Has all this waiting proved worth it? Absolutely. There is the definite possibility that all this waiting will lead to an absolutely precious, charming, beautiful baby girl joining our family- growing up in our home, blessing us with the opportunity to be her mommy and daddy, with the chance to watch her play with her big sister.
Then there is the possibility that my stomach literally turns and twists to consider- she could end up staying in Ethiopia, with the harsh reality of growing up a beggar. It's extremely difficult for me to even write those words, let alone think them. Will it still have been worth it if this second possibility becomes real? Absolutely. Please do not hear me minimizing the pain and anguish we are currently experiencing. For lack of better words, this just sucks. If this happens, we will be heartbroken, and we will have to grieve the loss of a child we love and adore. However, we are believers- believers and followers of the One and Only true God- the God who loved man so much that He made a way to redeem us through the blood of His One and Only Son. My God has experienced the loss of His child. He has experienced the agony of being separated from His Beloved- separated because His Beloved took on my sin. If nothing else comes from this process, I can say with all sincerity, "I love Him more." Never before have I prayed so fervently. Never before have I been so faithfully in His Word, and seen more vivdly how His Word can encourage and strengthen, teach and convict. Never before have I had to trust him more. Never before have I understood so clearly the sacrifice He made for me- for you, too- when He gave His Son to take on the punishment for my sin so that I could be with Him. I'm so thankful that I am in His presence every day while here on earth, and that there will be a day with Him when there is no more crying, no more pain, no more hunger, no more disease, no more violence, no more tragedy, and no more WAITING.
We are at the beach this week, and I couldn't help but think as I looked at the ocean this morning, that if God can make this huge, amazing world, and keep it spinning in order, He certainly can handle what's been handed to us the past several months. He can also handle my mixed up emotions and frustration. He is good, and He is bigger than any trial that may come. And so we wait. We wait knowing He already knows the outcome. He's ready for our song of joy or our cries of despair. He is ready and equipped with whatever we may need. Our daughter, Addie, is so amazing, but the truth is, there is only One who satisfies and sustains. There is only One Certainty and One Hope. One True Joy. One who comforts, One who gives peace, One who will be praised and glorified no matter what. I genuinely hope you know this One in a personal, intimate way. I am honestly praying that through our journey, through our waiting, maybe you love Him more, too.
"This is how God showed His love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."
1 John 4:9-10
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