Waiting for the "proper time"

Okay, so today I had to post a picture of my sweet little sleeping beauty.  Gymnastics and a trip to Target to buy a birthday gift for her buddy, Madison, just tuckered her out today.  I am thankful she will at least sleep in the car.

Just to update you on the latest…  In November we were #31 on the wait list for a referral (to be matched with a baby).  In December we got news that we had moved up to #19!  That was super exciting to move that quickly.  Then In January we found out that we moved a big, whopping one spot up to #18.  Needless to say that was disappointing and I shed a few tears that day.  At the beginning of this month we had moved up three spots and were at #15.  So, there are 14 families ahead of us.  The good news is that some of those families are probably requesting different ages than us and some probably specified a certain gender (we did not)- therefore, some of those 14 families may or may not be matched before us.  The bad news is there is just no predicting how much longer we will have to wait.  As you can see by the numbers I gave above, there is no rhyme or reason to how many families get matched each month.  I can rest in the fact that I have no idea of what the future holds, but He knows each minute of each day long before it occurs, and He has my family in His hands, under His control. 

A few weeks ago, Payton was sitting in the back seat and randomly said, “Mommy, where’s my brother or sister?”  Knowing she knew the answer, I replied, “I don’t know, Peanut, where is he?”  “Epiopia” (spelling intentional there- she’s progressed from “Opiopia”) she proudly announced.  Wanting to guard her tender heart, I reminded her that it would be a long time before we met her brother or sister.  Her matter-of-fact, trusting response- “I know Mommy.  We just have to wait.”  Out of the mouths of babes…

Then, a few days ago, she broached the subject again, this time, talking to herself… “My brother or sister is in Africa.  They will come some day and play with me.  They will play with baby toys…”  It was all I had in me not to melt right then and there, but I was driving and didn’t have the luxury.  Payton is waiting patiently.  She trusts that when we told her that she will have a brother or sister we meant it, and we will come through on our promise.   Hmm… I just happen to know Someone who ALWAYS keeps promises, who can ALWAYS be trusted.

Waiting is so hard, though.  Can you hear the whine in my voice?  Because I’m definitely whining…

In the both services at Walnut Street we are going through the book of Philippians, and it has been awesome, I must say.  Kris’s sermon a few weeks ago was a great reminder to me that God can use all of our circumstances and all of our days (even those spent waiting) for His glory.  We studied Philippians 1:12-18, where Paul is in prison but is recognizing that “because of [his] chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.” 

So, this is my prayer.  God, be glorified in our waiting.  Quite frankly, this is not much fun- in fact, if you had told me when we started the process, that sixteen months into this I would still not be holding my baby, I’m not sure I would have signed up…  Guess that’s why He only gives us one detail at a time.   Because we did “sign up” and we are whole-heartedly in it, no regrets- even in the middle of the wait.

Here’s the thing, though- I would love our long journey through the adoption process to be something the Holy Spirit uses to prompt others to adopt- just like Paul’s arrest encouraged others to preach more boldly.   That would be so totally cool… But it could be that He is using my struggle in waiting to glorify Himself in my own life by changing my heart- by showing me how to trust Him more, by teaching me that satisfaction is found only in Him, by slowly developing my character into something more fitting for the mother of our next addition. God could be up to a million things, and there could be a million reasons this process is taking so long, but- whatever the case, God be glorified.  I know that He knows not only when but why.

My friend, Lisa, who is also waiting on her adoption to be finalized posted Galations 6:9 as her Facebook status a while back, and I think we can all glean some encouragement from it-  “Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Thank you Jesus, You know the proper time.  

"I am content with weaknesses..." 2 Corinthians 12:10

So, Guess where I am… Yep- back in the car, Payton snoring away.  I’m missing the sound of the rain today, though.

I mentioned back several weeks ago that I would address some of the fears people have about adoption.  I already wrote about Billy’s biggest fear- money.  I know one of the fears I dealt with and still occasionally face is the idea that I am inadequate to parent any child, let alone one that comes with the emotional scars that an orphan often bears.  Am I patient enough?  Am I merciful enough?  Am I loving enough?  The answer is no.  But the good news is there is One who is.  And He just happens to live inside me.

One of my greatest weaknesses involves clinical depression, with which I have had a long history of a pretty rough battle.  It got really intense in college, and I put my friends, family, and sweet husband (then, boyfriend) through way too much.   Thankfully, after years of anti-depressants and counseling, the good days far outnumber the days where depression threatens to take over again.  When we started the process of adoption, though, I realized that most countries would want a full health evaluation, one that included a history of my mental health- and fear gripped me. 

In the late summer of 2010, I remember sitting at dinner with our dear friends, Jonathan and Andrea Johnston, and telling them about our plans to adopt.  We were all going to see “A Night with the Chapmans”  (Steven Curtis Chapman and family would sing and share their story) at Southeast Christian that night.  If you know anything about Steven Curtis Chapman, you probably know that he is one of the top-selling Christian musicians of all time.  He and his wife, Mary Beth, are also passionate about the plight of the orphan.  They have six children, three of whom were adopted.  So, we knew that this event would probably have a good deal of focus on adoption, which in turn meant that there would probably be a good deal of crying done by me.  So, we went ahead and told the Johnstons that we felt the Lord was leading us to adopt our next child.  I vividly remember telling Andrea that one of my biggest fears was that my history of depression would cause us to be turned down and not even considered. 

We sat and listened to great music and incredible testimony from the Chapmans, but there is one thing I will never forget about that night.  One of the first things to come out of Mary Beth’s mouth when she stood up to speak was- and I am not kidding- “Yay for anti-depressants!”  She shared about how she had had an awful and ongoing battle with depression for years and years, and how that had not hindered their adoptions of three sweet little girls.  It was completely random and like she was speaking straight to me.  Actually, more like the Lord was speaking straight to me- He just used her as the mouthpiece.  He had this under control, and my fears and concerns were not valid reasons to stop pursuing His plan for my life.

Isn’t that true for all of us?  Our fears and concerns are never acceptable excuses for failing to follow Him.  After all, the scriptures are full of reminders that we are not to fear, that He is God, He is in control, and He is good. 

In the book, Choosing to See, Mary Beth Chapman tells the story of her friend Terri Coley and Terri's daughter, Carrie.  Carrie was urging her mother (who already had four biological children and three children through adoption) to adopt again.  Terri had already argued that she had seven children and did not need any more.  Now her response was that she was too old, but Carrie replied, "Is it better for an orphan to have an old mom... or no mom?"  This reminded me that our fears, particularly those of inadequacy, do not make disobedience okay.  (By the way, Terri and her husband did adopt again, meeting their eighth child, Daniel, on their 25th wedding anniversary.)  If the Lord is calling you to adopt, you are inadequate, but allow me the opportunity to remind you and myself again, the He is MORE THAN ADEQUATE.  Your lack of youth, money, time, etc., should not stop you from adopting IF the Lord is calling you to do so. In fact, your shortcomings shouldn’t stop you from doing anything the Lord is calling you to do. 

I am not a perfect person, definitely not a perfect mother, but He is a perfect father and completely sufficient for me. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

                   2 Corinthians 12:9-10