I just love Christmas music- all sorts. We have a pretty big collection, and it grows
yearly. So many carols have such rich,
meaningful texts. I could listen to the
words of "O Holy Night," every day of the year- "A thrill of
Hope, the weary world rejoices....'til he appeared and the soul felt its
worth..." Love. It. Then there's the song I've heard on
the radio about a million times this year- the one about "sometimes I cry
at Christmas".... UGH. Christmas
music usually falls into one of two categories for me- the sacred, meaningful (or
at least fun, i.e., "Rudolph") category, or the ridiculously cheesy,
sappy, overly sentimental category- think "Christmas Shoes." A few weeks ago I heard the song "Have Yourself
a Merry Little Christmas" for the first time this season and sat enjoying
it, listening only partially to words I've heard so many countless Christmases
before. Nope, it's not too deep, but
it's charming and cozy and makes me want to sit by the fire drinking hot cocoa. Suddenly I almost chuckled at the words,
"from now on our troubles will be miles away..." Hmm. Nice sentiment, but not so true for a whole
mess of people out there who hear this song each Christmas.
Christmas is actually, for some, the time of year when troubles are
magnified and intensified. For some, it feels as if the whole world is
rejoicing while they sit in their pain, just hanging on, to make it through the
season. Christmas evokes vivid memories
for folks, and sometimes those memories ignite aches so deep it feels as though
the heart might shatter.
Here's where I am at Christmastime... I love "'Twas the Night
Before Christmas." I love trees,
ornaments, bows, candles, wreaths, nativity sets, Santa figurines, and any
other decoration for which I can find a spot in my own home or in yours. I've already stated my deep appreciation for
*most* Christmas music. I love the
food. I love the family being together. I love the crafts. I simply adore the movies. I love shopping for presents and finding the
perfect gift for someone I love or even someone I've never met.
Christmas, for me, is also a very intense reminder of what we
experienced last year. On December 21st,
2012, we were supposed to receive word about what the judge had ruled with our
precious Addie. Instead, we were told we
would have to wait until the 28th, which actually ended up being the 31st. On Christmas Day, we were waiting to hear if
our child was going to be taken away.
As much as I love all that surrounds this season, honestly, those
things are simply not enough to dim the aches of knowing one of my daughters is
not here this Christmas,
nor will she ever be. My
troubles, though they originated across an ocean, are not "miles
away," as the song states. They
are, instead, up close and personal.
Tomorrow morning, amidst all the squeals and glee from two sugared-up little girls, Ellie will open some presents that were actually purchased for
Addie last Christmas. Addie's name is
written on an ornament on our tree. Her
smile pierces my memories and her giggle echoes in my heart. Last Christmas she was not here, but she was
ours. She was coming. This Christmas we are experiencing what it
means to truly have Christmas without
her.
She is not here. BUT, there is One who is here.
-And no, I'm not speaking of Ellie.
I cannot tell you how thankful we are that she is here, that she is home for Christmas. She brightens our days, fills our home and
family with happiness, and is an absolutely precious, perfect addition to our
family. I enjoy her presence so much I
am giddy sometimes. I cannot imagine life without her. This time last year, she was in an orphanage
in Ethiopia, so to celebrate Christ's birth with her this year, overwhelms my
heart with gladness. However, the ONE
who makes this holiday joyful in the midst of crazy painful memories is not
Ellie. It's not my funny, wonderful
husband or my full-of-life, beautiful Payton.
It is my Jesus. My family makes me
insanely happy. They constantly make me
laugh and lift my spirits. But, He is the One who makes my Christmas
joyful. He is the One who makes my heart soar above any trial and burst
with gratitude and thankfulness. My troubles may be up close and personal- but so is HE.
Recently I looked back at our adventure with Addie and marveled at how
we survived it still standing. With my
intense history of depression, our tragic loss was a sure-fire set up for a
complete downward spiral in my life.
There is one way, and only one
way- or should I say place- we stood-
In Jesus.
In His grace, he gave us the faith we needed to trust in times when
our fleshly hearts would have doubted. In
His grace, the Spirit replaced the lies of the enemy with the truths of His
perfect Word. We survived because He was walking each step with us. He shielded me from the pit where the enemy
wanted this all to leave me. The
evidence of his goodness shines as bright as day to me in the peace, hope, and
joy we had even in the midst of all our pain.
When the Christmas season began this year, I was a bit aggravated with
the Lord. Why did He allow this to be
a time of year when I remember such hard, hurtful experiences? I mean, couldn't
He spare Christmas? One answer has
become abundantly clear to me recently.
Because we were so aware of how desperately we needed Him at Christmas
last year, we are more aware this
Christmas of the amazing blessing that He is readily available to us because
of Christmas. We have an intense realization of the hope,
peace, and joy we are celebrating coming to the world in the person of
Jesus. We officially lost our girl on
December 31st, which at the time seemed like a sentence to start each year with
grief, and yes, we will experience grief that day- BUT we will also start each
year with a fresh reminder that HE is the only One who never leaves, never
changes, never fails. We will start each
year remembering to cling to the Father.
Isaiah 9:2 & 6 say, "The people who walk in darkness have
seen a great light... For to us a child is born, to us a son is
given." Jesus is the Light of the
World. When I view my pain in His light,
it looks so completely different. My pain looks like an instrument of grace- a
way to bring him glory- a fountain of blessing found in redemption. It looks like the beginnings of "beauty
from ashes." My pain looks so very
temporary. I am absolutely convinced
that there will be a day when the shadows of my heartache will completely
disappear because his light will be everywhere.
It will fill every corner and nook and cranny, and there will be no room
for the darkness of hurt. There will be
no more night- only the brightness of day and only rejoicing. No more tears, no more sadness. All of this, because He came. In the form of a tiny baby boy, he came. And in that one instant, all pain became
temporary. Hope arrived- hope that is
firm and rooted. Peace arrived- peace
that stands in the midst of turmoil and tragedy. Joy arrived- joy that just doesn't always
make sense. Love came down. Love was wrapped in cloths and laid in a
smelly manger. And Love eventually
headed to a cross and hung and died.
But, praise the Lord, Love beat death.
Love rose again and is seated at the right hand of the Father. And
praise the Lord, HE IS COMING BACK!
I can sing "Joy to the
World," "Hark the Herald Angels," and all those other wonderful
carols because of Christmas, not in
spite of what we sometimes label as “Christmas.” I can enjoy all the celebration and
"extras" this time of year because this is the season when my hope
and my joy and my peace became possible.
My pain is in the background. His
love is in the foreground. It has to
be. It's too darn good not to be.
I am so thankful for the blessing of Jesus- for his birth. I am also abundantly thankful that His
blessings are frequently tangible. I see
my sweet girls and my godly husband, and I am overwhelmed at His goodness. He gives good gifts, friends. I pray that regardless of what this time of
year brings you and regardless of that which it reminds you, you will be first
reminded of Him. He is worth celebrating
no matter what your temporary situation may be.
Jesus is here!!! Glory to God
in the highest!!! And even if it seems
the least likely scenario in your current setting- Peace is on earth!!! He is Emmanuel- Our God is with us! IS, not just was, with us!!!! Hallelujah!
May you have the Merriest of Christmases and experience a constant
awareness of how good our God is in the following year!
