Trip #2, Part II

Hey Friends!

Last blog I started to tell you a bit about our first trip to meet Ellie Claire, and so, I’ll pick up where I left off. 

We left the airport and headed to the West Sands Transition Home where Ellie currently lives, and where we would be staying.  We drove past familiar sights and finally reached the front gate of the home.  My stomach twisted and my heart beat a million miles a minute as we pulled up.  The last time I was here, I was kissing Addie good-bye, promising her that I would be back for her.  I knew that beyond that gate was also where my Ellie was waiting for me.

West Sands Transition Home and Guest House

Once inside, we met a few other wonderful adoptive families and waited eagerly for the nannies to bring us Ellie.  We didn’t have to wait long- about thirty minutes after our arrival the moment came.  I really cannot begin to describe to you how it feels to watch as someone walks up the sidewalk carrying the child whose face you’ve been dreaming of for months.  I get choked up just thinking about holding her for the first time, kissing her face, and telling her, “I’m Mama.” 

First meeting!  

She was wide-eyed and curious, a little unsure of what to think.  The babies at the transition home pretty much never leave their tiny, dimly lit dorm rooms, so in a few moments’ time she was being carried outside in the bright sunshine, and then into another new, unfamiliar room with these pale people who spoke bizarre sounds and whose eyes were leaking. J She was quick to adjust, though, and was happy and giggly with us within the hour.  We were able to feed her a bottle, and she even christened her daddy’s shirt and pants.

She has great aim!

Each day, we were able to spend several hours with her, playing with her- pretty sure she’d never even seen a rattle-, feeding her, rocking her, singing to her, and cuddling her while she napped.  We were once again head over heals in love, and in awe that the Lord would bless us with the honor of being this beautiful child’s parents. 

One of the highlights of our trip was the day we got to go to Adama (also known as Nazaret), the city where Ellie was born.  We must never forget that although adoption is an absolutely beautiful gift, it begins with tragedy.  I am not going to divulge much about the beginning of Ellie’s life here, because this is a public blog, and I feel it is her story to share.  Like any orphan, though, her story starts with loss.  I am forever grateful to her birth mother for giving her life, and I am just completely heartbroken for her that she will never know her sweet daughter.   There’s no way around the fact that our young Ellie has experienced tragedy and grief beyond what we can imagine. 

Street view in Nazaret, Ellie's home town

While in Nazaret, we had the privilege of going to the orphanage where Ellie lived for a few months, and we met the amazing woman who runs it.  We also met with the police officer who found and rescued Ellie.  The officer told us and the other families there that adoptive parents are “kings and queens,” and I said this then, I’ll say it now- looking into the eyes of orphans, you don’t feel like much of a queen. 

We were able to spend just a short time with the children there at the orphanage, but in that short time, our hearts were shattered.  It was rest time and so they were in their beds.  We brought them chocolate candy bars, and they each graciously accepted.  To hug and kiss these children and look into their eyes and tell them Jesus loves them, but then to have to walk away, leaving them in an orphanage felt like the last thing a queen would do.  While we sit in our nice, cool houses with our cute little families, kids are going to bed each night without stories, kisses, prayers, and songs.  They wake up each morning to a world without hope.  We have to do more.  We just have to.   I have no idea of what exactly “more” looks like to you or me, but I know what it doesn’t look like- turning our heads and pretending not to notice that people are hurting deeply in this world.  It does not look like sitting in our churches arguing over whether or not the bi-laws were followed to a T while kids go hungry.  It doesn't mean sitting in committee meetings acting like we're all holy and important while kids die every hour from a stomach bug.  Jesus did far more for us than we ever deserved when He simply left heaven and came down to earth to be among us.  These beautiful children need to know He came for them too.  I can only imagine that it is very difficult to completely understand the love of a holy, perfect Father when you have never even known an earthly father or mother.  There are kids in Ethiopia and right here in my own city that have no idea how a parent is supposed to love and care for his children because they've never experienced anyone caring for them, let alone a mom or dad.  

God cares about kids.  His Word tells us so.  We sing "Jesus loves the little children..." and think happily, "Aw, isn't that nice."  But do we get that his love for children isn't just a precious, sweet little love?  His love is intense and it's real.  It's so big and serious that He tells us we best be loving children, too.  It's a mandate, a requirement- not a suggestion.  His love should compel us to to action for the kids in this world.  And I'm not just speaking to you- there are far too many times I choose to sit on my bum doing nothing,.... Okay, sermon over- at least for now...

These are the dorms where the kiddos live at the transition home. 

This is the courtyard area at the transition home.  So many happy memories there!

While we were at the transition home, one of our favorite things to do was to hang out with the children living there.  We sang songs, blew bubbles, played soccer and basketball (okay, Billy played soccer and basketball…).  These kids absolutely stole my heart, and it was so much fun to spend time with them.  Several of them could not wait to show us pictures of their families that they were waiting on to come back and get them.  One particular sweet boy, we’ll call “S” told us, “No family.”  As I looked into his eyes and saw the despair and sadness, it was all I could do to keep from telling him, "No worries, you’ll just come home with me.”  (By the way, that is highly frowned upon, so I did NOT say that to this child J )  A day or two after we got home, I pulled up Facebook to see a new blog post written by another adoptive mom.  I followed the link to her blog and began weeping.  She and her husband had accepted the referral of sweet “S.”  I yelled to Billy through the house, “’S’ has a family!!!! ‘S’ has a family!!!”  Thank you, Jesus, “S” has a family.  I am so grateful that this awesome couple (who by the way, lives in the same county as us- how crazy is that?!) has chosen him.  They have listened carefully to the Lord’s call upon their lives, and “S” has a family.  Just awesome.

Another child that just made me a complete mess was a sweet young girl named Mihret.  (“Mihret” was Addie’s Ethiopian name.)  When we met her, I had to walk away because of the tears, and Billy just sat there with her wrapped up in his arms.  She probably initially thought we were a couple of crazy Americans, but by the end of the day, she was our precious little friend. 

There were countless others whose names and faces I will never forget.  However, as much as I loved playing, singing, dancing, and just hanging out with them, I loved seeing them interact with Billy even more.  These kids are constantly surrounded and cared for by women there, so they ate up his attention.  To see fatherless children held and loved by a godly man is a powerful image.  I love this picture of him with our Ellie- safe, secure, and content in his arms-

It is very possible that Ellie had never been held by another man, other than Woudneh, the Ethiopia program director for West Sands.  The strong, protective arms of a father are incomparable.  I am so thankful that my husband has lead us through this journey and that he was and is determined to see it through to completion, even on days when his wife is a crazy woman (all who have been through an adoption know the crazy I’m talking about.)  Ellie has been blessed with a daddy that loves her beyond belief- a daddy that loves Jesus even more, and who will make sure that she is raised in the truth of His love.  I’m so very grateful.

Once Ellie was in bed at night, the children were up for a bit longer, and so we would go find them.  Each day we would go to them, armed with stickers or candy.  You would have thought we were handing out gold. J  Here is my official apology to West Sands for giving them stickers, which ended up on their walls.  I have to say, though, it was pretty cool walking into some of their rooms the next day to see where they had spelled out “Jesus loves me” with the stickers.  The faith of these children is amazing and humbling.  This was one of their favorite songs-

“Hallelujah,

Holy Holy,

God almighty,

The Great I am.

Who is worthy,

None beside Thee,

God Almighty,

The Great I Am”

Hearing an orphan sing those words pretty much sends you to your knees.  Talk about praising God and giving thanks in all circumstances… Wow.  Think we could learn a thing or two from these little ones.

It was a great trip, and it just kept getting better… more to come!

   

Here is our Answer...

Hi Friends,

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement.  Each and every text, email, Facebook message, card, and phone call has meant more than we could possibly say.  I know many of you are concerned for us and are wondering how we are doing, but you’re afraid that we may break to pieces if you ask.  So, I’ll let you have a window into our world, without you having to test our fragility. J

The past two weeks have been, without question, the hardest either Billy or I have ever experienced.  We were at Kiawah Island on New Year’s Eve morning when the news came.  Billy answered the phone, and I knew right away from the tone of his voice, that the news we were terrified to hear was indeed being shared.  I ran upstairs, pretty much screaming and hysterical- feeling like the world was suddenly spinning too fast for me to remain standing.  I am so thankful that my dear family was there to take Payton out to the beach to play so that she didn’t have to witness her mommy and daddy falling to pieces.  I remember telling Billy repeatedly through my sobs, “This can’t be real.  This can’t be real.” 

Even today, almost two weeks later, there are moments where I feel like this is some sort of dream gone horribly wrong- that this can’t be real.  And yet, it is terribly, awfully, painfully real.  The little girl who had a birth certificate with “Billy and Jodi Baker” listed as her mother and father, who had a passport with her name listed as “Mihret William Baker,” who has our hearts fully and completely, no longer legally belongs to us.  We are saddened beyond words, we are aching for her, we are angry at the injustice, and we are tired and weary, but we are trusting.

We are trusting in a God who says that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  We are trusting in a God who is full of mercy and grace, and who is always just.  We are trusting in a God who holds each day of our lives in His mighty hands.  We are trusting in a God who keeps all of His promises.  We are trusting in a God who loves our Addie more than we ever could. 

Still, the pain continues.  There are days when I feel like I really just want to go back to bed and stay there forever, but for the sake of my wonderful husband and child, I pray for strength and the will to go about my day.  Wednesday, I thought I was feeling pretty good, so I headed off to the mall with a bag of adorable, tiny pink clothes to return.  I took one step inside the store and fell to pieces.  Thankfully, the store manager was extremely kind, and she helped me with great gentleness.  I left the mall and just sat in the parking lot weeping.  There are some of you who have commented to me that you admire my strength.  I truly, truly, truly, appreciate your kindness and encouragement, but here’s the thing- I am totally, completely weak- there is no strength in me whatsoever.  I just happen to serve a God whose strength has no end.  He has graciously bestowed upon Billy and I the faith needed to persevere through these dark days.  We know, because He has taught us, that He does not change based on our circumstances.  Jennifer Rothschild wrote, “God is not ‘I feel’ or ‘I think.’ God is ‘I AM.’”

Even in the pain, we have hope.  We have hope that our God is compassionate and caring, and as Psalm 27:13  says, “[We} believe [that we] will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  Even in the pain we have joy.  We have joy because though the Lord is allowing us to walk through this pain, we know His blessings still fill our lives daily.  Even in the pain we have peace.  We have peace because we know that the Prince of Peace is always with us, and that He has won the final victory.  He may allow Satan to wreak havoc on this earth, but there will be a day when His mercy and grace take their rightful place, reigning over His kingdom. 

As I said, He has given Billy and I an abundance of faith, but one of my greatest fears when things started to go wrong was that this would all have a negative impact on my Payton’s faith in the Lord.  For five months, she had been praying for Addie by name.  She had helped pick out the paint for Addie’s room, and then had helped her daddy get the crib put together and the whole nursery ready while I was out of town one weekend.  She had been wearing “big sister” shirts proudly.  She had chosen a necklace for me for Christmas with both her and Addie’s initials.  She had excitedly picked out a Minnie Mouse dressed as Ariel for Addie for Christmas.  So many times, she had eagerly planned all that she would show and teach her new sister.   When we told her the hard truth, we tried to frame it positively, reassuring her that the Lord would bless us with another baby.  Her response was, “I don’t want another baby.  I like Addie.”  The sight of her pitiful face and tears still haunt me.  No child should have to experience the loss of a sibling.  Her behavior over the next week showed she was struggling to understand what was going on around her, and we knew she was grieving in her own little way.  She will still make comments from time to time that let us know she is thinking about it.  Her fears at first were our fears, too- “How will they get clothes for Addie?  How will they feed her?”  How on earth do you answer these questions to your four-year-old child?  We answered with truth- “We have to trust that the Lord will take care of her.”

Yesterday as we were driving, Payton said, “Mommy, sometimes you pick, sometimes Daddy picks, and sometimes I pick.  But God, He picks better.  Right, Mommy?”  Shew.  Right, Payton- absolutely right.  I asked her where she learned that, and she replied that she just knew.  Thank you, Jesus, she knows. 

She still prays for Addie each night, and while playing, she will catch herself if she mentions Addie’s name and start talking about “the baby” instead.  Yesterday at lunch, she drew a picture of the family that was of three “peachy” people, with one pretty "brown" girl noticeably missing.  My heart wrenched at the picture, and yet, with Payton’s smile, I could already see the goodness of the Lord.  She still loves; she still trusts- not because of anything Billy and I have done.  Yes, we strive daily to teach her the truths of the Word, but all too frequently, we fall miserably short in our words and actions, and way too often, we fail to show her the truths of His Word.  I am beyond thankful that He chooses to constantly show us mercy and continue to reveal Himself to the heart of this precious four-year-old little girl.

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Three years ago, this month, I stood beside a hospital bed where my big sister lay in severe pain.  The doctor looked at her husband, my father, and me, and told us very plainly that her kidneys and liver were failing and that she may not make it.  I remember a similar feeling as I had that dreadful morning at the beach- the world was suddenly spinning way too fast and out of control.  This could not be real.  The next several weeks were a series of ups and downs as she would get better and then worse and then better again, and so on.  I remember standing before our church to update the congregation on her condition one Sunday and telling them that we were praising the Lord for healing our sweet Angie.  The next thing I said has rung in my ears about a million times since we first experienced struggles while we were in Ethiopia- “Make no mistake- if the Lord had chosen to not spare Angie’s life, but to take her home, he would STILL BE GOD.  He would still be good, and we would still be praising Him.” 

So, here I am, faced with a choice- a question- will I sit down, pout, and say, “God, you messed up.  How could you do this?!”  Or, will I stand up and sing the praises of a God who I know never “messes up-“ a God who is always loving, kind, merciful, gracious, compassionate, forgiving, just, “slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love,” patient, peace-giving, faithful, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, mighty, and strong?  A God who did more than enough when He gave up His only Son for my sake and your's? Here is our answer-

“But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15

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As we serve, we trust, and as we trust, we praise, and as we praise, we wait.  Yep, there’s that word again.  I thought we were nearly done waiting, but alas, the Lord is not yet finished with this story.  We have requested to be matched with another baby girl, and as soon as our agency has a need, we will be called.  We do have the option of choosing to have the agency pass the referral to another family if need be, but we are praying that when the time comes, our hearts will have healed enough that we can rejoice and love the child as fully as she deserves. While we wait, we know that He can see all that tomorrow holds, and that He is fully equipped to strengthen our hearts and our faith.  It is our prayer that He is using our pain to pour His strength upon your life as well.  

Blessings!

Today's News

So, just to be perfectly honest, I really don't want to write a blog today, but I know that many of you have prayed for us and love us and are wandering what is going on.

So, here's what we found out this morning- we were told first that our case wasn't even brought before a judge today, and then that was clarified, and we found out that our case was heard, but the judge will not give a final ruling until December 28th- an entire week of hanging in limbo, not knowing if the adoption will be revoked.  We are heartsick, tired, angry (not really at anyone in particular), overwhelmed, deeply saddened, frustrated, and so on.  This has become one of those nightmarish stories you hear on the news- one that everyone assumes will never happen to them, and yet, here we are.  If you are considering adoption, please don't let our story scare you away.  We have countless friends that have adopted with relatively no drama- our story is the rarity.  In fact, it is our understanding that our situation has actually never happened in Ethiopian international adoption.

I am reminded again that although our world has been turned upside down by the events of the past several months, He still holds the world in His hands, and He is not the slightest bit surprised by what has happened.  We are strengthened by the knowledge that His power is made perfect in our weakness- and we can honestly say we've never been weaker.

Your continued prayers are coveted.  There are three things that are currently weighing most heavily on our hearts- First, pray for the judge to be granted the wisdom of The Lord- that she would, like Solomon, see with whom the child belongs.  Secondly, pray for Addie- can't even verbalize the fears we have for her, should the adoption be revoked.  Thirdly, pray for our sweet Payton.  She talks about Addie daily and prays for her every night.  Her heart will be completely broken if this does not work out, and I'm not sure I can stand to see that.

We're praying that each curve and bump in the road is just another opportunity for our Lord to show His might and glory- another way to prove there is no denying His hand at work.  However, the reality is, He may have other purposes for this adoption, and those purposes may not lead to Addie coming home.  We are trusting Him no matter what, and praying that He is glorified no matter what- I do want to add, though, that our trust makes this easier- don't know how I'd still be standing at this point without Him- but trust in the Father does not make this easy.  He never promised that our lives would be easy.  He just promises that He will walk with us, and that, Praise Him, He has won the ultimate victory.

I just thought about the following song- one of mine and Billy's favorites.  I actually had it on a draft of a blog I wrote but never published back in February, when the wait for a referral was seeming to drag on forever.  Little did I know that the struggle had just begun.  I'm so thankful that the truths of our God remain no matter our circumstances.