All Because of Christmas

I just love Christmas music- all sorts.  We have a pretty big collection, and it grows yearly.  So many carols have such rich, meaningful texts.  I could listen to the words of "O Holy Night," every day of the year- "A thrill of Hope, the weary world rejoices....'til he appeared and the soul felt its worth..."  Love. It.  Then there's the song I've heard on the radio about a million times this year- the one about "sometimes I cry at Christmas".... UGH.  Christmas music usually falls into one of two categories for me- the sacred, meaningful (or at least fun, i.e., "Rudolph") category, or the ridiculously cheesy, sappy, overly sentimental category- think "Christmas Shoes."  A few weeks ago I heard the song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" for the first time this season and sat enjoying it, listening only partially to words I've heard so many countless Christmases before.  Nope, it's not too deep, but it's charming and cozy and makes me want to sit by the fire drinking hot cocoa.  Suddenly I almost chuckled at the words, "from now on our troubles will be miles away..." Hmm.  Nice sentiment, but not so true for a whole mess of people out there who hear this song each Christmas.

Christmas is actually, for some, the time of year when troubles are magnified and intensified. For some, it feels as if the whole world is rejoicing while they sit in their pain, just hanging on, to make it through the season.  Christmas evokes vivid memories for folks, and sometimes those memories ignite aches so deep it feels as though the heart might shatter. 

Here's where I am at Christmastime... I love "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."  I love trees, ornaments, bows, candles, wreaths, nativity sets, Santa figurines, and any other decoration for which I can find a spot in my own home or in yours.  I've already stated my deep appreciation for *most* Christmas music.  I love the food.  I love the family being together.  I love the crafts.  I simply adore the movies.  I love shopping for presents and finding the perfect gift for someone I love or even someone I've never met.

Christmas, for me, is also a very intense reminder of what we experienced last year.  On December 21st, 2012, we were supposed to receive word about what the judge had ruled with our precious Addie.  Instead, we were told we would have to wait until the 28th, which actually ended up being the 31st.  On Christmas Day, we were waiting to hear if our child was going to be taken away. 

As much as I love all that surrounds this season, honestly, those things are simply not enough to dim the aches of knowing one of my daughters is not here this Christmas,

nor will she ever be.  My troubles, though they originated across an ocean, are not "miles away," as the song states.  They are, instead, up close and personal. 

Tomorrow morning, amidst all the squeals and glee from two sugared-up little girls, Ellie will open some presents that were actually purchased for Addie last Christmas.  Addie's name is written on an ornament on our tree.   Her smile pierces my memories and her giggle echoes in my heart.  Last Christmas she was not here, but she was ours.  She was coming.  This Christmas we are experiencing what it means to truly have Christmas without her. 

She is not here.  BUT, there is One who is here.  -And no, I'm not speaking of Ellie.  I cannot tell you how thankful we are that she is here, that she is home for Christmas.  She brightens our days, fills our home and family with happiness, and is an absolutely precious, perfect addition to our family.  I enjoy her presence so much I am giddy sometimes.  I cannot imagine life without her.  This time last year, she was in an orphanage in Ethiopia, so to celebrate Christ's birth with her this year, overwhelms my heart with gladness.  However, the ONE who makes this holiday joyful in the midst of crazy painful memories is not Ellie.  It's not my funny, wonderful husband or my full-of-life, beautiful Payton.  It is my Jesus.  My family makes me insanely happy.  They constantly make me laugh and lift my spirits.  But, He is the One who makes my Christmas joyful.  He is the One who makes my heart soar above any trial and burst with gratitude and thankfulness.  My troubles may be up close and personal- but so is HE.  

Recently I looked back at our adventure with Addie and marveled at how we survived it still standing.  With my intense history of depression, our tragic loss was a sure-fire set up for a complete downward spiral in my life.  There is one way, and only one way- or should I say place- we stood-

In Jesus.  

In His grace, he gave us the faith we needed to trust in times when our fleshly hearts would have doubted.  In His grace, the Spirit replaced the lies of the enemy with the truths of His perfect Word. We survived because He was walking each step with us.  He shielded me from the pit where the enemy wanted this all to leave me.  The evidence of his goodness shines as bright as day to me in the peace, hope, and joy we had even in the midst of all our pain. 

When the Christmas season began this year, I was a bit aggravated with the Lord. Why did He allow this to be a time of year when I remember such hard, hurtful experiences? I mean, couldn't He spare Christmas?  One answer has become abundantly clear to me recently.  Because we were so aware of how desperately we needed Him at Christmas last year, we are more aware this Christmas of the amazing blessing that He is readily available to us because of Christmas.  We have an intense realization of the hope, peace, and joy we are celebrating coming to the world in the person of Jesus.  We officially lost our girl on December 31st, which at the time seemed like a sentence to start each year with grief, and yes, we will experience grief that day- BUT we will also start each year with a fresh reminder that HE is the only One who never leaves, never changes, never fails.  We will start each year remembering to cling to the Father.

 

Isaiah 9:2 & 6 say, "The people who walk in darkness have seen a great light... For to us a child is born, to us a son is given."  Jesus is the Light of the World.  When I view my pain in His light, it looks so completely different.  My pain looks like an instrument of grace- a way to bring him glory- a fountain of blessing found in redemption.  It looks like the beginnings of "beauty from ashes."  My pain looks so very temporary.  I am absolutely convinced that there will be a day when the shadows of my heartache will completely disappear because his light will be everywhere.  It will fill every corner and nook and cranny, and there will be no room for the darkness of hurt.  There will be no more night- only the brightness of day and only rejoicing.  No more tears, no more sadness.  All of this, because He came.  In the form of a tiny baby boy, he came.  And in that one instant, all pain became temporary.  Hope arrived- hope that is firm and rooted.  Peace arrived- peace that stands in the midst of turmoil and tragedy.  Joy arrived- joy that just doesn't always make sense.  Love came down.  Love was wrapped in cloths and laid in a smelly manger.  And Love eventually headed to a cross and hung and died.  But, praise the Lord, Love beat death.  Love rose again and is seated at the right hand of the Father. And praise the Lord, HE IS COMING BACK!

 I can sing "Joy to the World," "Hark the Herald Angels," and all those other wonderful carols because of Christmas, not in spite of what we sometimes label as “Christmas.”  I can enjoy all the celebration and "extras" this time of year because this is the season when my hope and my joy and my peace became possible.  My pain is in the background.  His love is in the foreground.  It has to be.  It's too darn good not to be.

I am so thankful for the blessing of Jesus- for his birth.  I am also abundantly thankful that His blessings are frequently tangible.  I see my sweet girls and my godly husband, and I am overwhelmed at His goodness.  He gives good gifts, friends.  I pray that regardless of what this time of year brings you and regardless of that which it reminds you, you will be first reminded of Him.  He is worth celebrating no matter what your temporary situation may be. 

 Jesus is here!!! Glory to God in the highest!!!  And even if it seems the least likely scenario in your current setting- Peace is on earth!!!  He is Emmanuel- Our God is with us!  IS, not just was, with us!!!! Hallelujah!

May you have the Merriest of Christmases and experience a constant awareness of how good our God is in the following year!