If You're Happy and You KNOW It

Today Billy and I and the girls are taking a road trip down to Nashville to spend the night at one of our favorite places- the Opryland Hotel. As we drive, I can't help remembering our trip home from the beach at about this same time last year.   We were still reeling from the news that Addie would never be coming home.   I think a total of about five words were spoken from South Carolina to Kentucky.  There was a feeling of helplessness in the air.  An overwhelming cloud of "how do we ever get past this?" hung over us.  There was nothing to say- just resignation to heavy, sad hearts.

Today the car is quiet again, but on this day, it is quiet in contentedness and calm.  There is a happy five year old, busily playing with her LeapPad and a sleeping baby, all cozied up with a blankie.  There is a mom and dad, slightly worn from the emotions of these past few days, but also full of hope and excitement for what the year ahead holds.  We are not content and calm because the pain is gone, because it's not. The answer to the question "how will we ever get past this?" is, we won't.  Our journey with Addie has forever changed the very fabric of this family, and there are permanent scars with her name on our hearts.  We will never be the same for having known her, loved her, and lost her.

The next anniversary we will remember will be January 18.  This is a whole different anniversary, though.  This was the day beauty began to rise- the day happiness began to creep back in- the day we first saw the amazing face of our Ellie Claire.

As I rocked this sweet child to sleep yesterday, I sat staring at her, trying to reconcile my absolute glee at being her mommy with my deep ache at not being Addie's.   My efforts were in vain.  It's simply not possible to dismiss the pain of losing Addie or the happiness of adding Ellie to our family.  Both are real, intense emotions.  So, what now?  Am I just stuck in a sea of  confusion?  One of Ellie's favorite songs is, "If You're Happy and You Know It."  Sometimes I think it might be appropriate for  me to pause the song, put a hold on the clapping, and say, "Ummmm, know it'?" That might be pushing it.  It's not that I'm not happy, because I am, indeed happy.  It's just that there's this whole mess of other emotions swirling around, too, and it's just all far too much for my finite brain to process.

This train of thought  leads me to consider, if everything had gone according to my original plan, Addie would be in my arms, sleeping... and then where would my Ellie be?  Would I be happy and know it, then?  Nope.  I'd be blissfully ignorant.  Blissful, yep, I could handle that, but ignorant?  Ignorant of my Ellie?  Not knowing my beautiful, funny, full of life, dramatic, silly, cuddly baby girl? I can't even bear the thought.   In order for me to gain one child, I first had to lose one... Oh my goodness, more complexities.   And yet-

 I know someone else that gave up a child in order to gain a whole big ol' flock of children.

Our Heavenly Father gave His one and only begotten son in order to have an open, restored relationship with me- with you.  I'm so thankful.  I'm so thankful Jesus prayed, "Not my will, but your's, Father."  I'm so thankful that Jesus willingly gave up His life for me and that the Father sacrificed His beloved, perfect Son, for my wretched, sinful self.  I'm so thankful that in His mercy He opened my heart and mind to His truth, and that now, when He looks at me, He doesn't see my "wretched, sinful self," but the righteousness of Christ.

I'm so thankful that He sees a bigger picture than I do, and that He sometimes says, "No."  Not gonna lie, I'd really really like a glimpse at that bigger picture a bit more often- I'd really like a small explanation as to why He says, "No."  That's not faith, though.  So, for now, I will trust.  I will rest in who He is and not drown in the muck of the inconsistency of how I feel.  Emotions are complicated and often distort our reality.  Therefore, I will base my reality on that which is steady and unchanging- Jesus Christ.   The Word tells us that the heart is deceptive above all else.  I will not just "follow my heart."  I will follow what I know.  I know He is good.  I know He loves me.  I know He is God.  I know HIM. I hope you do, too :)

Happy New Year, friends!  May 2014 be filled with so much of Him in our lives that He overflows onto all with whom we come in contact.  When others encounter us, may they encounter Him.