Here is our Answer...

Hi Friends,

Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement.  Each and every text, email, Facebook message, card, and phone call has meant more than we could possibly say.  I know many of you are concerned for us and are wondering how we are doing, but you’re afraid that we may break to pieces if you ask.  So, I’ll let you have a window into our world, without you having to test our fragility. J

The past two weeks have been, without question, the hardest either Billy or I have ever experienced.  We were at Kiawah Island on New Year’s Eve morning when the news came.  Billy answered the phone, and I knew right away from the tone of his voice, that the news we were terrified to hear was indeed being shared.  I ran upstairs, pretty much screaming and hysterical- feeling like the world was suddenly spinning too fast for me to remain standing.  I am so thankful that my dear family was there to take Payton out to the beach to play so that she didn’t have to witness her mommy and daddy falling to pieces.  I remember telling Billy repeatedly through my sobs, “This can’t be real.  This can’t be real.” 

Even today, almost two weeks later, there are moments where I feel like this is some sort of dream gone horribly wrong- that this can’t be real.  And yet, it is terribly, awfully, painfully real.  The little girl who had a birth certificate with “Billy and Jodi Baker” listed as her mother and father, who had a passport with her name listed as “Mihret William Baker,” who has our hearts fully and completely, no longer legally belongs to us.  We are saddened beyond words, we are aching for her, we are angry at the injustice, and we are tired and weary, but we are trusting.

We are trusting in a God who says that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  We are trusting in a God who is full of mercy and grace, and who is always just.  We are trusting in a God who holds each day of our lives in His mighty hands.  We are trusting in a God who keeps all of His promises.  We are trusting in a God who loves our Addie more than we ever could. 

Still, the pain continues.  There are days when I feel like I really just want to go back to bed and stay there forever, but for the sake of my wonderful husband and child, I pray for strength and the will to go about my day.  Wednesday, I thought I was feeling pretty good, so I headed off to the mall with a bag of adorable, tiny pink clothes to return.  I took one step inside the store and fell to pieces.  Thankfully, the store manager was extremely kind, and she helped me with great gentleness.  I left the mall and just sat in the parking lot weeping.  There are some of you who have commented to me that you admire my strength.  I truly, truly, truly, appreciate your kindness and encouragement, but here’s the thing- I am totally, completely weak- there is no strength in me whatsoever.  I just happen to serve a God whose strength has no end.  He has graciously bestowed upon Billy and I the faith needed to persevere through these dark days.  We know, because He has taught us, that He does not change based on our circumstances.  Jennifer Rothschild wrote, “God is not ‘I feel’ or ‘I think.’ God is ‘I AM.’”

Even in the pain, we have hope.  We have hope that our God is compassionate and caring, and as Psalm 27:13  says, “[We} believe [that we] will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  Even in the pain we have joy.  We have joy because though the Lord is allowing us to walk through this pain, we know His blessings still fill our lives daily.  Even in the pain we have peace.  We have peace because we know that the Prince of Peace is always with us, and that He has won the final victory.  He may allow Satan to wreak havoc on this earth, but there will be a day when His mercy and grace take their rightful place, reigning over His kingdom. 

As I said, He has given Billy and I an abundance of faith, but one of my greatest fears when things started to go wrong was that this would all have a negative impact on my Payton’s faith in the Lord.  For five months, she had been praying for Addie by name.  She had helped pick out the paint for Addie’s room, and then had helped her daddy get the crib put together and the whole nursery ready while I was out of town one weekend.  She had been wearing “big sister” shirts proudly.  She had chosen a necklace for me for Christmas with both her and Addie’s initials.  She had excitedly picked out a Minnie Mouse dressed as Ariel for Addie for Christmas.  So many times, she had eagerly planned all that she would show and teach her new sister.   When we told her the hard truth, we tried to frame it positively, reassuring her that the Lord would bless us with another baby.  Her response was, “I don’t want another baby.  I like Addie.”  The sight of her pitiful face and tears still haunt me.  No child should have to experience the loss of a sibling.  Her behavior over the next week showed she was struggling to understand what was going on around her, and we knew she was grieving in her own little way.  She will still make comments from time to time that let us know she is thinking about it.  Her fears at first were our fears, too- “How will they get clothes for Addie?  How will they feed her?”  How on earth do you answer these questions to your four-year-old child?  We answered with truth- “We have to trust that the Lord will take care of her.”

Yesterday as we were driving, Payton said, “Mommy, sometimes you pick, sometimes Daddy picks, and sometimes I pick.  But God, He picks better.  Right, Mommy?”  Shew.  Right, Payton- absolutely right.  I asked her where she learned that, and she replied that she just knew.  Thank you, Jesus, she knows. 

She still prays for Addie each night, and while playing, she will catch herself if she mentions Addie’s name and start talking about “the baby” instead.  Yesterday at lunch, she drew a picture of the family that was of three “peachy” people, with one pretty "brown" girl noticeably missing.  My heart wrenched at the picture, and yet, with Payton’s smile, I could already see the goodness of the Lord.  She still loves; she still trusts- not because of anything Billy and I have done.  Yes, we strive daily to teach her the truths of the Word, but all too frequently, we fall miserably short in our words and actions, and way too often, we fail to show her the truths of His Word.  I am beyond thankful that He chooses to constantly show us mercy and continue to reveal Himself to the heart of this precious four-year-old little girl.

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Three years ago, this month, I stood beside a hospital bed where my big sister lay in severe pain.  The doctor looked at her husband, my father, and me, and told us very plainly that her kidneys and liver were failing and that she may not make it.  I remember a similar feeling as I had that dreadful morning at the beach- the world was suddenly spinning way too fast and out of control.  This could not be real.  The next several weeks were a series of ups and downs as she would get better and then worse and then better again, and so on.  I remember standing before our church to update the congregation on her condition one Sunday and telling them that we were praising the Lord for healing our sweet Angie.  The next thing I said has rung in my ears about a million times since we first experienced struggles while we were in Ethiopia- “Make no mistake- if the Lord had chosen to not spare Angie’s life, but to take her home, he would STILL BE GOD.  He would still be good, and we would still be praising Him.” 

So, here I am, faced with a choice- a question- will I sit down, pout, and say, “God, you messed up.  How could you do this?!”  Or, will I stand up and sing the praises of a God who I know never “messes up-“ a God who is always loving, kind, merciful, gracious, compassionate, forgiving, just, “slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love,” patient, peace-giving, faithful, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, mighty, and strong?  A God who did more than enough when He gave up His only Son for my sake and your's? Here is our answer-

“But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15

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As we serve, we trust, and as we trust, we praise, and as we praise, we wait.  Yep, there’s that word again.  I thought we were nearly done waiting, but alas, the Lord is not yet finished with this story.  We have requested to be matched with another baby girl, and as soon as our agency has a need, we will be called.  We do have the option of choosing to have the agency pass the referral to another family if need be, but we are praying that when the time comes, our hearts will have healed enough that we can rejoice and love the child as fully as she deserves. While we wait, we know that He can see all that tomorrow holds, and that He is fully equipped to strengthen our hearts and our faith.  It is our prayer that He is using our pain to pour His strength upon your life as well.  

Blessings!