"Unsafe, Unsure, but NOT Afraid"

ONE WEEK!!! Next Saturday, April 27^th, Billy and I leave for Ethiopia.  Several of you have asked, “Are you ready?”  If you mean am I physically ready, the answer is no.  I still have unpacking of our house to do and packing of our suitcases to do (and Payton’s, since she’ll be at Mom’s).  If you mean emotionally, the answer is also no. 

I am so very excited to meet our Ellie Claire, but there are also six million other emotions swirling around my heart and mind right now.  It struck me today that the last night Billy and I spent in the transition home (where we be this trip as well) was the night we thought we were losing Addie the first time- the night when my dear friends and I gathered together in the floor and pled with Jesus on behalf of our girl, the night when I clung to Billy and wept into his chest for what seemed like hours.  The next day, the last day we spent there, was the day when we returned from court a second time, this time rejoicing and kissing the sweet face of our girl- it was this day that I last saw her smile in person, and it was this day that I promised her I would be back for her. 

Sunday night Billy and I will step back into that transition home, but it won’t be to reunite with our Addie.  Is it possible to experience heartbreaking sadness and overwhelming joy at the same time?  That is what I imagine we will feel.  “Bitter sweet” doesn’t really express what I’m feeling, even now, before we’ve left- because bitter doesn’t really convey the way I ache for Addie and sweet doesn’t really say how incredibly thrilled I am to finally meet Ellie Claire.  I first saw her face three and half months ago, and I have eagerly waited, sometimes very impatiently, to kiss her and tell her how much I love her already.

So there you have it- I'm not sure it’s possible to be emotionally “ready” for what lies ahead.  I addition to asking if we’re ready, many of you have also remarked that you are surprised that we’re embarking on this journey again, after what happened last time.  Some of you have even said, “The same thing can’t happen this time, can it?!”  Let me be clear, there are no guarantees for us.  We have no idea what will happen on this trip.  We are hoping and praying with all that we are that we hear the coveted words: “She is yours,” from the judge, and we are hoping and praying that this time, we get to make the trip back to bring home our girl.  However, we have already learned that there is nothing certain in adoption- nothing certain in life- Nothing but ONE thing- Jesus and His never-ending, never-changing, never-failing love for us.  This Jesus has called us to adopt a child from Ethiopia, and so we go.

One of my favorite songs has become “Believer” by Audio Adrenaline, the first line of which is, “I wanna live this life unsafe- unsure- but not afraid.”  I’m feeling a little “unsafe”- not because I fear for our physical safety, but because I feel like I’m risking heartbreak for myself and for my family.  To say we are “unsure” is an understatement with regard to what will happen.  We know what is supposed to happen, but again, we’ve been painfully taught that there is no certainty.  “Not afraid?”  Hmm… working on that one.  My head fully trusts that I serve a sovereign, holy, capable, good, loving Father.  My heart, however, wants to occasionally give in to the temptation to worry and be afraid.  I will cling to the truths found in the Word, and by His grace, He will grant us the faith we need to trust that He has gone before us and that He goes with us.  We are taking this one step at a time, and as long as His voice says, “Go and trust me,” we will go and trust.  

I have seen how His Word can convict, comfort, and mold my heart, and so these are the truths on which I am meditating and praying, and I ask that you would pray them over us and our hearts:

“But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord.”  Psalm 141:8

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7

“Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord.”  Psalm 31:24

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  Psalm 112:7

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”  Isaiah 26:3

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”  Psalm 68:5

 “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded.  For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.”  Habakkuk 1:5

I truly believe that there will be a day when we look back on this journey in unbelief at what He was doing.   So, I go to Ethiopia, aware of all of the emotions that may flood my heart, aware of what could go right or wrong, and aware that He is good, all the time, in every circumstance that comes our way.  My confidence will be found in Him alone.