Leaving on a Jet Plane, Round 2 :)

Hey Folks!

So, I usually sit down to write a blog, having some idea of what I want to say, where I’m going… but tonight, the night before we begin our long journey back to Ethiopia, I am this bizarre combination of sad and giddy, nervous and excited, and I’m gonna have to just figure this out as I go…

It is so hard to believe that we are starting the next part of this adventure.  In an effort to free up some space on my phone today, I erased about a million old text messages and pictures.  There were many pictures I just couldn’t bear to erase, though.  Remember this one?

That was the drawing Payton made for us to take to Addie.  We showed it to her about an hour before we left Ethiopia and took adorable photos of her holding it, grinning ear to ear.  Ugh, that stings, to see… And yet-

Look again.  Notice anything?  There is an extra person there.  I remember clearly Payton drawing that fifth body.  I asked her who that was, and she just said, “oops,” and kept going.  Umm….  Now, I know quite well that my daughter is no prophetess, but I can’t help but think the Lord chuckled a little at her unknowingly foreshadowing what was to come.   Seems to me that adding an “Ellie Claire” caption under that body might be appropriate.

Along with the pictures, there were a few text conversations that I had to keep too- texts that were a timeline of sorts of the past six months.  They showed every range of emotion possible, and took me back to days of agonizing waiting, joyful hoping, deep grieving, and gleeful surprise.  There was a common thread that ran through them all, though- He was there. 

The Lord has been with us every step of the way.  He prepared our hearts long before we ever went to Ethiopia.  I know that His Holy Spirit was guiding me when I memorized James 1:2 before our trip- “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  I know that He led me to James again on November 5, when we were waiting to get our MOWA letter in, which would legally make Addie ours.  I texted Billy that morning: “Read this this a.m.  Was hoping for a ‘you get your baby’ James 6:2, but apparently it’s not there.  ‘Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast.  You have heard the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.’- James 5:11.”  That verse seemed perfect to me at the time- reminding me to remain steadfast as I waited for official word, because I had lived a life full of testimonies of the Lord’s compassion and mercy; I could trust Him, and I knew it.  Two days later, we got the call from Lesley, and Billy came upstairs to my classroom at church that Wednesday night to tell me “She is ours!”  Addie was legally a Baker. 

I thought that verse was appropriate then… I had no idea what was coming, how our steadfastness was only beginning to be put to the test, how much I would have to cling to the Lord’s past faithfulness to trust that He was still my good God, and always would be.  But one thing I have learned in my short 32 years-  The Lord is ALWAYS compassionate and merciful, we just can’t always see how in the middle of the battle.  Remember the verse I listed last in my previous blog, though?  “Look among the nations and see; wonder and be astounded.  For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told,” Habakkuk 1:5.  He is constantly working in our lives- all things together for the believer’s good- and I truly believe that there will be a day, maybe not until He comes again, that I will look back at pictures, texts, and memories, and I will see a beautiful display of His compassion and mercy over our family.  My girls’ middle names mean “mercy and grace beyond the horizon,” and I know that is what I’ll see in the days and years ahead. 

I hope you know that grace and mercy.  I hope you recognize the Lord’s compassion in your life, because I am absolutely certain that these truths of His word were not just written for the Baker’s.  If you are a follower of Christ, we ask that you pray for us as we head out tomorrow.  Here are some specific requests to lay before Him:

Safety and health as we travel.  I got nasty sick last time we were in Ethiopia.  Ick.

A great time of bonding and attachment with Ellie Claire

Payton- we’ll be gone eight nights this time, a long time for a four year old to be without Mommy and Daddy

Our emotions… well, because, you know…

Court- we have every reason to believe that court should go smoothly, but then again, we did last go-round too.

Luggage- three flights over- pray the bags make it with us.

Our hearts- traveling to a third world country, spending time with orphans… we don’t want to come back unchanged.  Pray He further breaks our hearts for what breaks His.

Our last day there- it is just plain hard to leave your child behind

Our faith- pray that the Lord continues to reveal His compassion in our circumstances.

Thanks, friends.  We love you all, and can’t wait to tell you about our girl after we meet her.  To God be the glory for all He is doing and is going to do.  

And by the way, Payton drew a picture of our family for Ellie today, and there are NO extra people this go round... just in case you were wondering. :)

"Unsafe, Unsure, but NOT Afraid"

ONE WEEK!!! Next Saturday, April 27^th, Billy and I leave for Ethiopia.  Several of you have asked, “Are you ready?”  If you mean am I physically ready, the answer is no.  I still have unpacking of our house to do and packing of our suitcases to do (and Payton’s, since she’ll be at Mom’s).  If you mean emotionally, the answer is also no. 

I am so very excited to meet our Ellie Claire, but there are also six million other emotions swirling around my heart and mind right now.  It struck me today that the last night Billy and I spent in the transition home (where we be this trip as well) was the night we thought we were losing Addie the first time- the night when my dear friends and I gathered together in the floor and pled with Jesus on behalf of our girl, the night when I clung to Billy and wept into his chest for what seemed like hours.  The next day, the last day we spent there, was the day when we returned from court a second time, this time rejoicing and kissing the sweet face of our girl- it was this day that I last saw her smile in person, and it was this day that I promised her I would be back for her. 

Sunday night Billy and I will step back into that transition home, but it won’t be to reunite with our Addie.  Is it possible to experience heartbreaking sadness and overwhelming joy at the same time?  That is what I imagine we will feel.  “Bitter sweet” doesn’t really express what I’m feeling, even now, before we’ve left- because bitter doesn’t really convey the way I ache for Addie and sweet doesn’t really say how incredibly thrilled I am to finally meet Ellie Claire.  I first saw her face three and half months ago, and I have eagerly waited, sometimes very impatiently, to kiss her and tell her how much I love her already.

So there you have it- I'm not sure it’s possible to be emotionally “ready” for what lies ahead.  I addition to asking if we’re ready, many of you have also remarked that you are surprised that we’re embarking on this journey again, after what happened last time.  Some of you have even said, “The same thing can’t happen this time, can it?!”  Let me be clear, there are no guarantees for us.  We have no idea what will happen on this trip.  We are hoping and praying with all that we are that we hear the coveted words: “She is yours,” from the judge, and we are hoping and praying that this time, we get to make the trip back to bring home our girl.  However, we have already learned that there is nothing certain in adoption- nothing certain in life- Nothing but ONE thing- Jesus and His never-ending, never-changing, never-failing love for us.  This Jesus has called us to adopt a child from Ethiopia, and so we go.

One of my favorite songs has become “Believer” by Audio Adrenaline, the first line of which is, “I wanna live this life unsafe- unsure- but not afraid.”  I’m feeling a little “unsafe”- not because I fear for our physical safety, but because I feel like I’m risking heartbreak for myself and for my family.  To say we are “unsure” is an understatement with regard to what will happen.  We know what is supposed to happen, but again, we’ve been painfully taught that there is no certainty.  “Not afraid?”  Hmm… working on that one.  My head fully trusts that I serve a sovereign, holy, capable, good, loving Father.  My heart, however, wants to occasionally give in to the temptation to worry and be afraid.  I will cling to the truths found in the Word, and by His grace, He will grant us the faith we need to trust that He has gone before us and that He goes with us.  We are taking this one step at a time, and as long as His voice says, “Go and trust me,” we will go and trust.  

I have seen how His Word can convict, comfort, and mold my heart, and so these are the truths on which I am meditating and praying, and I ask that you would pray them over us and our hearts:

“But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord.”  Psalm 141:8

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7

“Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord.”  Psalm 31:24

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  Psalm 112:7

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”  Isaiah 26:3

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”  Psalm 68:5

 “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded.  For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.”  Habakkuk 1:5

I truly believe that there will be a day when we look back on this journey in unbelief at what He was doing.   So, I go to Ethiopia, aware of all of the emotions that may flood my heart, aware of what could go right or wrong, and aware that He is good, all the time, in every circumstance that comes our way.  My confidence will be found in Him alone.

No-longer Orphans

Shew, what a crazy day.  Tired doesn’t really even describe the way I’m feeling.  It’s a good tired, though.  We officially no longer own our house on Labor Lane, and our new home is at least starting to come together.  This evening was by far the best part of the day though.

After closing on the house, Billy, Payton, and I raced to the airport, “Welcome Home” sign in hand, to greet some friends who were bringing home two daughters from Ethiopia.  We made it upstairs at the Louisville International Airport to see a huge crowd of people gathered, eagerly awaiting the moment when the Clark family would come into sight.  After months and months and months of waiting, they would now be heading to their house tonight as a family of eight. 

As we stood, chatting, waiting for the celebration, a soldier passed by and asked who was coming home.  I nearly choked as I told him “Two no-longer orphans from Ethiopia.”  No-longer orphans.  Do you get what a big deal that is?  These beautiful little girls were being raised in an orphanage with no mommy to tuck them in at night or kiss their boo-boos.  No Daddy to teach them how to throw a baseball or hold them up to see over a crowd.  No family to celebrate their birthdays.  Nobody to rejoice with them when they ace a test or win an award.  Nobody to cry with them when some other child is mean.   No grandparents to spoil them or to take a million pictures of them.  No family to go back to for Christmas or to share memories with when they grow up.  But NO LONGER, baby!!!!  They are no longer orphans, thank you, Jesus!  Now they have a hope for a wonderful future, but more than that they have a family to model for them the love of Christ. 

It was an emotional moment to say the least, when they walked through those gates- a pure picture of the gospel of Christ- we were all once lost, hopeless, without a name or future.  But God, in his rich mercy, sent Jesus to take the punishment for all our crap, better known as sin, and made a way for us to be adopted into His family.  Because I know and love and follow Jesus, I am a child of God.  As His child, my inheritance awaits me in eternal paradise where I will forever dwell in the very presence of the Almighty, Wonderful Father.  What a homecoming THAT will be! 

As I hugged my friend’s neck and congratulated her on her family’s latest additions, she told me how she spent a bit of her time in Ethiopia loving on my Ellie Claire.  If I was emotional when I first saw her family, I was pretty much a mess at this point.  There are days when it really seems like we will NEVER get to the point of our homecoming.  Multiple friends who started this process more than a year after us are already home or coming home soon with their kids.  We are thrilled for them, and honestly not the least bit resentful- we are just soooooo eager for that day for our family- We are extremely thankful to be one step closer this week, with the scheduling of our court date for May 2 (see previous blog :) ).

 It was really cool to see Payton witness the whole scene tonight and see what it would be like for us.  It was also pretty amazing to see her realize that the Clarks' new sisters were not babies, but children older than herself.  I would love to know what was going through her mind when she understood after a little talk today that these girls had been living in an orphanage, that they didn’t speak English, and that they were going to have to learn a whole new way of life.  I nearly sobbed again when tonight she prayed for the “Clark Sisters.”  A few weeks ago she announced that we should have as many sisters as we could take care of- and I think it’s pretty awesome that to her that doesn’t mean that Mommy would carry a bunch of babies (although we are not opposed to having biological babies- all babies are wonderful!) but that to her it means we would bring a whole gaggle of kids home who have no families elsewhere.  I am so thankful for how the Lord is molding her young heart to care for orphans and be compassionate to others.   I just cannot wait until she sees her baby sister face to face for the first time.  What a party we will have at the airport that day!

Until then, we wait, and pray, and trust that the Lord is still going with us and before us.  To Him be the glory!

“We wait in hope for the Lord;

He is our help and our shield.

In Him our hearts rejoice

For we trust in His holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,

Even as we put our hope in you.”

Psalm 33:20-22

March- Oh wait, it's April- Madness!

Hey Everybody!

So, I’m about to fall on my face, I’m so tired, but I had to update y’all a bit.  Things are CRAZY in the Baker household right now. 

Back in February we came across a house we LOVED in Oldham County that was an amazing deal, and we decided to put our house on the market.  We knew that because we would have to update our homestudy for USCIS if we moved, we would have to sell the house in no more than a month’s time.  It was a long shot since the house was on the market for like 18 months when we took it off the market about a year ago, but we thought we’d give it a chance.  If it was going to work out, the Lord was going to have to perfect the timing.   Well, within two days of putting it on the market this time, we had two offers and a third buyer ready to make an offer if it didn’t work out with either of the other two!  Eek!  So, guess what we’re doing tomorrow- moving to Oldham County J

Right before we got the offers on the house, we got news that I was going to have to have surgery.  Ugh.  On March 21^st I had a hernia repaired and had to have a bunch of abdominal muscles sewn back together.  On March 28^th, I had a precancerous bunch of cells on the skin on my calf removed and stitched up- ouch.  Basically, I’m  pretty much feeling like an old woman who’s falling apart, but all is well… Except for the fact that moving is not easy when you can’t lift anything heavier than a jug of milk.  So, I write to you from a den of boxes, while pains shoot through my leg and mid-section… oh well, this too, shall pass J

This morning I woke up feeling tired- never a good thing to wake up that way.  Quite honestly, I was dreading the day.  Today happens to be our Addie’s first birthday.  I felt sick.  I miss my girl everyday, but to not be with her on her birthday just felt like a ton of bricks sitting on my heart.    What if no one even knows that today is the day the Lord brought her into the world?!  What if no one near her is celebrating her precious life?!  I so want to give her a hug today and tell her what a treasure she is.  I want to know if she’s walking and how many teeth she has.  How does she spend her days and is she getting enough to eat?  The questions come frequently, and the Lord answers each time, reminding me that He loves her.  His love brings peace, but still, there is hurt.  I just plain miss her. 

The day began, and I got to work with my mom, packing up Payton’s room.  I was prepared for a day of drudgery (who likes to pack?!) and a day of feeling fairly pitiful.

Then my phone rang.

We got a court date!!!!!!!!  We head to Ethiopia on April 29^th and will meet our sweet Ellie Claire on the 30^th!  The news couldn’t have come at a better time- Isn’t our God soooo good?!!  We miss our Addie so much, and the pain of losing her still stings deeply, but how immensely grateful we are for Ellie Claire.  We know that if things had worked out with Addie, we wouldn’t even know that Ellie Claire existed, much less be calling her daughter.  I will most likely never fully understand why the Lord allowed what he did with Addie, but He has proven again and again that He is sovereign and He is good, and we will continue to trust that with all that we are.

So, Happy Birthday Sweet Addie!  You are loved beyond words, and prayed for each and every day. 

And Ellie Claire, Mommy’s comin’ baby!  Can’t wait to kiss your sweet face and hold you close.  I love you sooooo much, sweet girl!

Thank you, Jesus.  He is just so good.